She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i will never coherently bang her
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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