theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
