i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
