Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
