Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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