I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
