I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
