I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Randomize
