There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
