im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
