Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
