So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
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