I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
