I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
So here I am, sexting at work.
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