Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
