How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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