I skipped work to stalk him.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
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You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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