Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
