Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
