At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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