i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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