i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
