how can u be prego again
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
