carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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