She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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