What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Randomize
