Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Pooping to opera.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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