My liver just broke up with me...
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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