My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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