Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
