The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
