i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
