She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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