I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
