I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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