She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
