I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
They took my balls.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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