She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
