Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router