Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I smell like Dick and happiness