Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.