i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
