So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
