Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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