The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
