you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I just want to make out with him forever
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
