moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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