I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
