so explain again why im purple
no
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
