I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
