who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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