maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
