Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
