well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
