I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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