So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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