i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
