Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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