dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
