i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
