So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
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Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
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I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Randomize