i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Randomize
